A new introduction to my story , your opinion?

Mary and Chris shared a deep love as a regular family , Chris, because of his belonging to the lab, was exposed to some Chemicals when his experiment was in the process of being performed, his exposure to those Chemicals didn't show any effect in the first years of their wedlock so that there was nothing to worry about ,but after a few years something unexplainable happened to Chris, something which drew a lot of attention among Chris's relatives, his speech, behavior, mistreatment to the people he appreciated, tendency to infuriate, made his wife ( Mary )think profoundly "can i get along with someone who doesn't show any kind of approach to the people he lives with??", the dilemma took her to the family advisor who initially fell in love with Mary, but Mary didn't pay attention to that, so each consultation meeting seemed as a new assignation for him, in the resumption of their meeting he tried to make her dislike Chris

A new introduction to my story , your opinion?
sounds interesting
Reply:You have an interesting premise, but I fear your writing style will distract the reader. Try simplifying your sentences. Make them shorter. Fewer commas and more periods will go a long way toward making this piece more readable. Congratulations on your imagination, I think that is the difficult part of writing. Lots of people can help you with style and punctuation. Pick up a copy of Strunk's "Elements of Style" to see some of the most common mistakes in writing and how to correct them. But don't become a slave to that or any other style guide. In fiction, I believe it is more interesting to have your own style, so long as it doesn't distract the reader.





Good luck and keep writing!
Reply:To be blunt, it's too wordy, and not specific enough.





What you have there is a story synopsis / plot outline, not an introduction, unless the above is a prologue is the backstory of the ongoing Tension between Chris, Mary and the un-named Advisor, assuming you pick up / enter the story at a tension filled session.





From what you have, Mary seems to be the main character, with Chris in his new behavior and the Advisor both as Antagonists.





It's somewhat of a muddled focus because on the one hand you have Chris as the victim of a past accident, but then "something unexplainable." The unexplainable might be resolved with a neurological exam.





But also Mary, and her thoughts which typically indicate main character, especially in a novel.





So if your story is about mary's thoughts and feelings, then the backstory of Chris is not as relevant other than they were once happy, now not so much, because Chris is sick, and mary has to deal with can she deal with a deteriorating husband.





Good luck with it.